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怎样获得婚姻幸福?

发布时间:2016-03-07 16:25:50

想要好的婚姻建议?问问离过婚的人吧。婚姻关系是人一生中最重要的关系。失去它的人往往会花些时间思索到底是哪里出了问题


很多时候,我们都是聆听成功人士的发言。其实更应该听听成功人士失败时候的故事。就好像今天这篇文章一样,聆听离婚人士诉说怎样获得婚姻幸福。

Want great marriage advice? Ask a divorced person. 
People who lose the most important relationship of their life tend to spend some time thinking about what went wrong. If they are at all self-reflective, this means they will acknowledge their own mistakes, not just their ex's blunders. And if they want to be lucky in love next time, they'll try to learn from these mistakes.

想要好的婚姻建议?问问离过婚的人吧。婚姻关系是人一生中最重要的关系。失去它的人往往会花些时间思索到底是哪里出了问题。如果他们真的会自我反省,就意味着他们会承认自己的错误,而不是责怪前任。如果他们希望在下一段恋爱关系中有好运气,就会努力从这些错误中吸取教训。
       

Research shows that most divorced people identify the same top five regrets─behaviors they believe contributed to their marriage's demise and that they resolve to change next time. 'Divorced individuals who step back and say, 'This is what I've done wrong and this is what I will change,' have something powerful to teach others,' says Terri Orbuch, a psychologist, research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research and author of the new book 'Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.' 'This is marriage advice learned the hard way,' she says.         

研究表明,大多数离过婚的人都会最后悔同样的五件事──也就是他们认为导致婚姻结束并决心下次改过的行为。密歇根大学社会研究所(University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research)研究教授及心理学家、新书《再寻真爱:六个简单步骤教你找到新的美满婚姻》(Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship)的作者奥布奇(Terri Orbuch)说,“有些离过婚的人会退一步思考,然后说‘这是我做错的事情,这是我会改正的地方’,他们有非常有用的东西可以教给别人。”她说,“这是来之不易的婚姻建议。”

Dr. Orbuch has been conducting a longitudinal study, funded by the National Institutes of Health, collecting data periodically from 373 same-race couples who were between the ages of 25 and 37 and in their first year of marriage in 1986, the year the study began. Over the continuing study's 25 years so far, 46% of the couples divorced─a rate in line with the Census and other national data. Dr. Orbuch followed many of the divorced individuals into new relationships and asked 210 of them what they had learned from their mistakes. (Of these 210, 71% found new partners, including 44% who remarried.) This is their hard-earned advice.        


在美国国立卫生研究院(National Institutes of Health)的资助下,奥布奇从1986年开始一直在从事一项纵向研究,定期从373名年龄在25至27岁、当年结婚的同族夫妇那里收集数据。在迄今为止25年的持续研究中,46%的夫妇离婚了,这与人口普查及其他全国性数据是一致的。奥布奇跟踪研究了许多开始新的恋爱关系的离婚者,询问其中210人从自己的错误中学到了什么。(在这210人中,71%找到了新的伴侣,其中44%再婚。)以下是他们辛苦得来的经验和忠告:

Boost your spouse's mood 
振奋另一半的情绪

Of the divorced people, 15% said they would give their spouse more of what Dr. Orbuch calls 'affective affirmation,' including compliments, cuddling and kissing, hand-holding, saying 'I love you,' and emotional support. 'By expressing love and caring you build trust,' Dr. Orbuch says.          


15%的离婚者说他们今后会给伴侣更多奥布奇博士所说的“情感肯定”,包括赞扬、拥抱亲吻、牵手、说“我爱你”以及情感支持。奥布奇说,通过表达爱意和关心可以建立信任。

She says there are four components of displays of affection that divorced people said were important: How often the spouse showed love; how often the spouse made them feel good about the kind of person they are; how often the spouse made them feel good about having their own ideas and ways of doing things; and how often the spouse made life interesting or exciting.


她说,离过婚的人认为情感表达有四个因素很重要:伴侣表达爱意的频率;让另一半感觉自我良好的频率;让另一半对其想法和做事方式感觉良好的频率;以及让生活充满乐趣或激情的频率。

The divorced individuals didn't specifically identify sex as something they would have approached differently, although Dr. Orbuch says it is certainly one aspect of demonstrating love and affection.           


这些离过婚的人没有特别提到自己应当以不同的方式对待性生活,但奥布奇说,这肯定是表达爱意和情感的一个方面。

Men seem to need nonsexual affirmation even more than women do, Dr. Orbuch says. In her study, when the husband reported that his wife didn't show love and affection, the couple was almost twice as likely to divorce as when the man said he felt cared for and appreciated. The reverse didn't hold true, though. Couples where women felt a lack of affection weren't more likely to divorce.    

奥布奇说,男性似乎比女性更需要与性无关的肯定。在她的研究中,丈夫称妻子没有表达爱意和情感的夫妇的离婚率是丈夫表示感到被关爱和被欣赏的夫妇的近两倍。而反之则不然,女方感到缺乏爱意的夫妇离婚率并没有更高。
    


Do something to demonstrate that your partner is noticed and appreciated every single day, Dr. Orbuch says. It can be as small as saying, 'I love you,' or 'You're a great parent.' It can be an action rather than words: Turn on the coffee pot in the morning. Bring in the paper. Warm up the car. Make a favorite dessert. Give a hug.         


奥布奇说,做点什么来证明你的伴侣每天都得到了你的关注和欣赏吧。可以小到说句“我爱你”或者“你是个好家长”。可以用行动代替语言:比如清晨打开咖啡壶的开关,把报纸拿进来,热车,做一道对方最喜欢的甜点,或者给对方一个拥抱。

Talk more about money 
更多地谈论金钱问题

Money was the No. 1 point of conflict in the majority of marriages, good or bad, that Dr. Orbuch studied. And 49% of divorced people from her study said they fought so much over money with their spouse─whether it was different spending styles, lies about spending, one person making more money and trying to control the other─that they anticipate money will be a problem in their next relationship, too.        


在奥布奇所研究的夫妇中,无论婚姻好坏,金钱都是大多数婚姻中的头号矛盾点。研究中49%的离婚人士说,他们和另一半为了钱吵得太厉害了──要么是花钱方式不同,要么是在花钱方面撒谎,要么是其中一个人赚钱更多试图控制对方──他们都认为在下一段婚姻关系中钱仍然会是个问题。

There isn't a single financial fix for all couples. Dr. Orbuch says each person needs to examine his or her own approach to money. What did money mean when you were growing up? How do you approach spending and saving now? What are your financial goals?  


解决金钱问题没有适用所有夫妇的万应灵药。奥布奇说,每个人都需要审视自己对待金钱的方式。成长过程中金钱对你意味着什么?现在你对花钱和储蓄是什么看法?你的财务目标是什么?

Partners need to discuss their individual money styles and devise a plan they both can live with. They might decide to pool their money, or keep separate accounts. They might want a joint account for family expenses. In the study, six out of 10 divorced individuals who began a new relationship chose not to combine finances.        
   

伴侣双方需要讨论各自的花钱风格,并设计出双方都能接受的规划。他们可以决定把钱合起来或单独开立账户,或者设立一个用于家庭开支的共同账户。在该项研究中,五分之三已经开始新的恋爱关系的离婚者都选择将财务分开。

'Talk money more often─not just when it's tax time, when you have high debt, when bills come along,' Dr. Orbuch says. Set ground rules and expectations and stick to them.    
       
奥布奇说,要更多地谈论金钱问题──不光是要交税的时候,债台高筑的时候,账单来了的时候。设定基本规则和预期,然后坚持执行。

Get over the past 不要计较过去

To engage in a healthy way with your partner, you need to let go of the past, Dr. Orbuch says.           


奥布奇说,想要和伴侣以健康的方式相处,就要放下过去。


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